Rimmer's Red Dwarf Regulations
by JKerry
Summary: While Red Dwarf is under attack after Lister steals someone's curry, Rimmer reads the Red Dwarf rule book. Kryten then appears and tells Rimmer Lister and the Cat need help from the person they stole curry from. Can Rimmer save the day by remembering the regulations of war correctly?


Red Dwarf: The Rule Book.

Rimmer sat at the metal table in his sleeping quarters. He was reading a book- the _Red Dwarf Space Corp Directory, _to be exact. Lately, Kryten had corrected him on every single rule he had given out to the group, and he was getting frustrated and annoyed that he couldn't remember much of the rules clearly.

Which was why he was sitting intently, with a Skutter by his side which was ready to turn the pages for him, reading and re-reading the 120 page book of regulations so he could recite them better to Kryten next time, allowing Rimmer to be the voice of reason and win the argument.

_"Space Corp Directory 1: all personnel must be searched before boarding Red Dwarf - those that fail to comply with this will be suspended and will not be allowed entry to the ship," _Rimmer read out loud. He shook his head. He needed to get past the obvious rules and down into the deep and dirty. He motioned for the Skutter to turn a few pages for him, which it did.

Rimmer read out loud again. "_Animals. Any creature bought aboard Red Dwarf will be confiscated in the search. Failure to do so will result in the person or persons, being put into stasis, and the creature will be quarantined before destroyed." _Rimmer snorted. _They should have stopped Lister coming aboard_, he thought. _He's such a pig._

Rimmer then read the next set of rules. _"If the ship is under attack, please ensure that all men and children make their way down to the basement deck of Red Dwarf, and shelter there while the sailors and men lead Red Dwarf to safety." _ Rimmer yawned. Life on board Red Dwarf could be boring, at times, dull. They've not had a ship attack since two months ago, when a moon they landed on supplied beer, and Lister managed to smuggle some on board Red Dwarf.

The aliens then caught up with them in the sky and demanded their beer be bought back to them. Lister grudgingly gave their beer back when they fired at Red Dwarf's front and left a minor hole in the outer layer, but not big that it killed them.

Rimmer sighed again before reading another rule: "_Any widows aboard Red Dwarf will be fully compensated for their life partners' debt, and any officer who passed away in duty will have a picture of themselves hung up in the ships' gallery." _Ship's gallery? Rimmer thought. He didn't know there was a gallery of death. He then read some last rules before deciding to take a break.

Just as the Skutter was putting the book back for him in his locker, Kryten rushed into the sleeping quarters, an urgent look on his face. "Yes, Kryten, what is it?" Rimmer asked. Kryten shook his head. "We're under attack sir, and the Cat has been hit badly. The Mooners have attacked us for stealing their curry supply," he told Rimmer.

Rimmer shook his head. "OK, where's the fight?" he asked the robot. Kryten lead the way out of the sleeping quarters, where the Cat was fighting with a grey, six foot tell alien with a monstrous face. Lister was lying on the ground, unconscious. Rimmer surveyed the scene, trying not to panic and fighting the urge to run.

Finally, Rimmer shouted, "Stop!" to the alien, and the alien stopped and looked at him. "You want to die too, alien?" the alien hissed. "No, I want you to let go of my crew member," Rimmer said weakly. The alien threw his head back and laughed. "Oh? And why would I do that?" he asked.

Rimmer took a deep breath. "It's in the rule book. "_Any creature bought aboard Read Dwarf will be quarantined before being destroyed," _he managed to recite weakly. He looked at Kryten who looked at him in amazement.

Slowly, the alien put the unconscious Cat on the floor and considered the protocol. "So unless you leave us now, you'll be in deep trouble with my letter to Geneva 5 about your brutality, m'laddo," Rimmer told him.

The alien sighed. "All right. But we want our curry," he said. "Yes sir, right away, sir," Kryten told him, and passed him a white bag of curry. The alien nodded, satisfied. "OK. Don't mess with us again," he said, before using his arm as a transporter, and beaming himself out of the ship and onto his own.

Kryten beamed at Rimmer. "I'm impressed Sir. You saved our lives," he said. Rimmer shrugged. "Oh, it was nothing. I just read the rule book," he said.

Then there was a moan, and Kryten and Rimmer looked to see it was coming from the Cat. "I'll take them to the medi-bay, Sir," Kryten said, as he grabbed a couple of stretchers and put the Cat down on one, and Lister on the other.

"Will they be okay?" Rimmer asked Kryten anxiously. "They'll be fine. Mr Lister has a bloody nose, but he's still breathing well, and the Cat has a broken arm, but I can fix that," Kryten told him. Rimmer nodded. "Good, good. When they wake up can you let me know?" he asked. "I will Sir," Kryten told him. "Good, because I'm going to hit Lister over the head with a box of curry," Rimmer said.


End file.
